It's possible that this is Depression talking, but days like today I despair of life. I don't think I'd ever actively seek to kill myself, or even formulate a plan, because I know too much about the hereafter to ever make such a blunder. But days like today really make death look more and more inviting.
In fact, I'm fairly sure this is Depression talking, because nothing really horrible happened today. I've just been having trouble getting my 8 year-old daughter to do her chores. When she does do them, it is generally with much whining and complaining, something I just can't abide, because we were never allowed to do that in my house. However, I was dealing with her attitude alright, up until she yelled at me to "shut up". I shut her up in her room (there's no lock, but she still hates this), and she proceeded to scream and cry. I wasn't terribly upset...more annoyed than anything. But something changed inside, and I entered what I call a "slow" period. When I start to go "slow", it feels like I am moving in slow motion. My muscles stop responding properly, my limbs refuse to cooperate, and I know I must quickly find somewhere to sit or I will fall where I stand. During a Slow Period, I am a toy with a dying battery--I wind down until I stop completely. Sometimes I come out of it while I can still move, but generally I reach a stage where I can no longer move, speak, or even hold my eyes open. My mind is still alert, but it is trapped in a sleeping body.
This is what is happening to me now.
I've never done any writing during a Slow Period, so I'm hoping doing so has some kind of positive effect; perhaps the act of thinking and writing will shorten the Period, and keep me from freezing completely. But, it is while I am in this state that Mr. Depression comes a-knockin'.
Depression goes hand-in-hand with anxiety, and it is anxiety that is probably the cause of my Slow Periods. Because of this, it is generally in my Slow Periods that I feel like I want to die; that I feel worthless; that I feel like life is no more than a disease, as Edgar Allen Poe described in a poem once.
But when it comes down to the absolute truth, I do not really want to die But I still can't seem to shake the gloo
Nope, the Slow Period is pulling me down futher. I won't b able to move for a few hours in a moment, so I'd beeter finish.
Thanks for listening!
In fact, I'm fairly sure this is Depression talking, because nothing really horrible happened today. I've just been having trouble getting my 8 year-old daughter to do her chores. When she does do them, it is generally with much whining and complaining, something I just can't abide, because we were never allowed to do that in my house. However, I was dealing with her attitude alright, up until she yelled at me to "shut up". I shut her up in her room (there's no lock, but she still hates this), and she proceeded to scream and cry. I wasn't terribly upset...more annoyed than anything. But something changed inside, and I entered what I call a "slow" period. When I start to go "slow", it feels like I am moving in slow motion. My muscles stop responding properly, my limbs refuse to cooperate, and I know I must quickly find somewhere to sit or I will fall where I stand. During a Slow Period, I am a toy with a dying battery--I wind down until I stop completely. Sometimes I come out of it while I can still move, but generally I reach a stage where I can no longer move, speak, or even hold my eyes open. My mind is still alert, but it is trapped in a sleeping body.
This is what is happening to me now.
I've never done any writing during a Slow Period, so I'm hoping doing so has some kind of positive effect; perhaps the act of thinking and writing will shorten the Period, and keep me from freezing completely. But, it is while I am in this state that Mr. Depression comes a-knockin'.
Depression goes hand-in-hand with anxiety, and it is anxiety that is probably the cause of my Slow Periods. Because of this, it is generally in my Slow Periods that I feel like I want to die; that I feel worthless; that I feel like life is no more than a disease, as Edgar Allen Poe described in a poem once.
But when it comes down to the absolute truth, I do not really want to die But I still can't seem to shake the gloo
Nope, the Slow Period is pulling me down futher. I won't b able to move for a few hours in a moment, so I'd beeter finish.
Thanks for listening!
